Dichotomized Parenting, Always a Mother

"Shared Custody," what a strange term- what a foreign, unnatural feeling to parent my children part-time. They are not just my children, although they did enter this world via MY vagina. I carried them in MY uterus for 10 months, MY body labored for hours prior to their arrivals, I nursed them for a year from MY breast; and yet they are still not completely mine.. (It makes me realize how nothing is really mine, or any of ours for that matter!)

My emotions battle my logic when it comes to dual-parenting. I understand that without HIM the children wouldn't exist, but I feel slightly more entitled as a parent, per the lamenting above. However, there is also this other place that wants to claim stake of the children for reasons I assume relate to guilt, societal pressures, or by some other selfish qualifiers. The point I'm trying to make is this: Sometimes I wonder if all of my wanting is really for me and not for them.. Don't get me wrong, I do strongly believe that children need their mothers love on a more primal level than their Fathers, but I also think Mothers need their children too- much more than Fathers need them. Birthing a child is essentially birthing an extension of ourselves, therefore, our inclinations point inward.

Internally, I wrestle with wanting my children, wanting what's best for them, wanting to be fair to their Father, and enjoying the time I have for myself. I don't know the right answer, but what I do know is that children need to be loved by both parents-regardless. However, there are times I staunchly believe they should live with me full-time, but this feeling comes with so many other sub categories. I will admit, I do, I really do enjoy the freedom part-time parenting offers. I like being a Mother, but it doesn't define me or complete me the way it does other women. (Maybe those women who say "Motherhood" completes them are just not able to face what I am describing.) I know I love my children just as much as the next, but I have this built in need for autonomy. It's all such a convoluted cluster of thoughts and emotions, who knows, maybe I am just trying to cope.

There is this other whole other realm I am privy too as well in this "part-time parenting" circus. It looks something like this: living the antithetical life, yet with one constant that never changes- I am a Mother. Although I may not have custody on a Monday, and I'm lost in the abyss of my girlfriends eyes, I'm still a Mother- that feeling doesn't go away. My children stay with me; and my ultimate commitment is to them first. (This is where I drop the self deprecation because I know that as a Mother, my heart belongs to them selflessly, and I have proven that to myself- I'm not like my Mother, which is a BIG fear. (This is a whole other story, and one I struggle with more than anything else possibly in my life, and yes, you will get a piece of that too!) Every pawn I move, how I court the queen, and how I went about no longer serving the king, have all been done with respect for my children- and that is why I am a proud Mother.

I honor the person I am becoming, I understand the difference between the default versions of me, and who I really am- Im that same little girl I've always been, just a little more tarnished. My little spirit is set on maintaing my integrity (what works for me) by doing what is right for my children, whatever that custody arrangement looks like. I can parent my children 3.5 days a week, but I will, and always do Mother them. Sweet Dreams.