Here she goes

Here I go, full exposure... Shall I communicate my needs to you, or shall I continue living in an isolated mental space? I desire to be understood on a deeper level, to be known other than how I see myself. Relationships are interesting how they teach you so much about yourself. I learned that I really do know how to brick my yellow road... whether intentionally or not. I built a life- a life I thought I wanted, only to tear it down. I deconstructed the pieces and found my fears. It was all an illusion, I blew smoke in the mirrors as not to see myself. I thought I wasn't good enough, smart enough, to make it on my own- I thought I needed a man to do it all for me. What I learned was that ultimately my fears were not enough for me to stay. I picked the perfect person, a man who would have never left me- I was safe, but in that safety I itched like a bird on a wire.

Tonight in the restaurant she talked about how I was "broken" but she couldn't fix me. I explained that I was not broken, only changed. To say "broken" is to imply a judgement. There is no room for judgement in change, nothing ever stays the same except for change. I didn't break my family, I changed it to better fashion the conditions- I reconciled it the best way I could. I confronted my own lie and once I did, I couldn't look away. I did not love myself and I blamed everyone else for the discomfort I felt in my skin. I did not want to be that girl anymore, the girl prodded by her fears, and paralyzed by her insecurities.

As I write I am listening to a lullaby, a song that reminds me of my children. I am reminded of how every decision we make in life impacts others in one way or another. It saddens me to think about my children- their innocents. They were always, and will remain a part of my future. I made that happen for myself and I am proud to have chosen such a wonderful partner for raising children. He is my and the kids rock when I am filling restless and introspective. He is the perfect representation for all the qualities I lack. Alternatively, I too bring valuable energy to the lives of my children and I mother them to the best of my ability. I am a good mother, not the best, but good! I provide love, affection, structure and hope. I feel there will always be guilt where my children are concerned- no matter. The pain resides in my heart for the unknowable shifts in their lives. I can only rest in the bed of my own peace, knowing that I made the right choice for us as a whole. I stand by, (although at times, painfully) my decision, I knew I wasn't living my truth, and I made everyone else pay miserably for my unhappiness.

Deciding to change my family took a lot of courage on my behalf, some may say selfishness, but thats OK. What I have learned most is that we all are truly unknowable as we each bring our own experiences to our reality. It upsets me to hear people say I left my family, or that I should have stayed married for the children. The choice I made was extremely difficult and I did not arrive there with ease. Life would have been easier for us all had I not chosen to leave. I was a stay at home mom with a wonderful husband who provided for me. I lived the good life, full of all the things that money can buy- but it was never enough! I longed for a richness I was not able to obtain in that relationship- I controlled myself too much- I couldn't let go! I just wanted to be vulnerable but was never able to go there with him. It makes me so incredibly sad knowing that I lived almost 35 years without truly ever letting go. When I look into his big brown eyes and see my children, it hurts in a dark place knowing that I couldn't make it work. I know that if any man would have been the one for me it would have been him, but I just was unable. But, what I could do was to have children with him and establish a life-long friendship. He is my family, and that is what love is really all about. I took my vows to honor and cherish, and I did that by setting him free. We are still a family, maybe a little broken, but we are slowly piecing ourselves back together, however, the shape we take will look a little different than before.

My story is so incredibly bitter sweet, it is at times unbearably sad, yet I feel joy l have never experienced. She has a porthole into my soul that has never seen light before. To be able to feel that oneness, that connection with another spirit is what I liken to a heavenly state. This is how I felt when I nursed my infants and marveled in awe, the miracle of life. To be reached on a "cellular" level and to give on a "cellular" level makes me feel as though i exist as a part of the universe. It is love as with a child, a parent, and a lover combined into one. I have never known a love before so revealed expect for the love i feel for my children- it is raw and exposed!
Finding the center of all these emotions is the hard part! I have learned from all of this that emotions are complicated, they are not one-sided. There is a grayness, or a yin/yang if you will, to all of our lives. At times we may be more black than white, storm gray, or eggshell, but what we can count on is that our hues never stay the same.