Giving and receiving: it's up for interpretation

The resentment bounces to and fro like a ping pong ball in a tournament for attention. I, by my own choices and free will, am responsible for always finding that perfect balance, while at the same time trying to please so many people. There are times, however, I think I am only trying to find harmony for my own accord, but that middle ground cannot be reached unless I adhere to others. Basically, my personal standards require me to give enough of myself to my children, my lover; and at times, to his needs as well. (In that order.) I push and pull myself in so many directions that I at times resent all of them, but in the end I know it was all in the making. I want to do right by everyone, then and only then, am I truly (even if only for intellectual reasons) temporarily content.

Saturday night, I rested peacefully in her arms absorbing the feeling of her skin against mine. Her temples smelled like the sweetest sugar, rock-candy and the specks in her eyes danced with an ember light-she was all I knew. In that moment, I was peeled and unfurled, my eyes brimmed with tears, as I buried my face in the soft spot above her collar bone. The crease, the small space speaks to me, it heals and nurtures me (and it did so, when only my eyes could touch her.) I didn't want to leave her, and I cried for what I couldn't give her, and for how much of herself she gives me. I cried for the person she loves in me, I cried for the person she lets me be, with all of my truths and ugly scars. I cried for what we can't have right now, and how she deserves more. I felt honored, but I also felt this inner nudge of self- I was becoming, and I cried for choosing so well.

We had been together for two days and I knew our time was coming to an end. She had been quiet that day, or as she would say "muted," but I sensed that she was thoughtful. The following day he was leaving for a business trip, and I was getting the kids for an extended stay. Our gears were about to shift with rote direction, I would go back to being Mommy,and she would go back to her single life. We (She and I) have certain rules which apply when the "litluns" are around, some spoken, others not. For instance, we don't have "spend the nights", or late nights- we compartmentalize. When the children are with me we go back to being just "friends." I go from the high of her emotional bakery of confectioners delight, to crashing and leaving, all traces of frosting behind. I leave her as I found her, (she, always the good-girl, helping everyone, and me, always constructing everything around me) and I hate it, but it works.

A different "he," a friend, said, "She must be really patient," and he was right, she is that and so much more. I couldn't have designed a better person for me, she challenges my internal operations and adds heart where I am lacking. I picked someone who would endure putting my children first for the greater good. She holds me accountable when I want to break my own rules (because I get philosophical and reckless) and then "apologize for them later". Basically, to her own detriment, or out of her unconditional love for me, she always puts us (me and the kids) first... and I love her for it; and I love that I was able to choose someone so amenable to my growth.

The night I cried thankful tears for all the ways she loves me, I was also grieving the loss of those feelings -when I am back to hands-on motherhood. I told her that it was like going from one extreme to another, from being completely full and over-flowing, to being sucked dry and then to have more asked of you. Now you may be saying, wait, how can you feel sucked dry when you don't have your kids full-time. Well the answer is in my human place, or / ego mind that over compensates for what I perceive as lacking. Meaning, my guilt about being separated from my children throws me into motherhood with a fierce determination, thereby trying to accomplish 7 days in 3.5 days.(Including but not limited to, affection, discipline, connection, routine, respect, etc.) In any event, it wears me down and that night I was saddened by the thought of having to re-place her with that feeling. (Hormones probably, fucking PMS always playing her part.) Seriously, back to what I was saying, and I hope my point isn't lost or distorted by my rant, but she made me see myself in that moment.

She said, "They give back to you, you get to brush their hair, and kiss and snuggle them." I understood instantly what she meant, and even when I said it- I knew it was just a momentary interpretation of giving v/s receiving. From her vantage point, I had two other loves from which to give and get, and sometimes the getting is in the giving, and the giving is in the getting. Either way, there's a balance to it, and at times I wont always get it right, but for the most part I do. I know what I know, and I know that love is big, big enough to conquer any resentments, guilt, or experiences perceived in the human condition. And I say, good night.